Team USA’s FIFA World Cup Outlook

(play for effect)

Today is the day that starts our one month long process where we as a country have to pretend to actually care about soccer. Sure, our “football” is way cooler and entertaining, but there is something about the FIFA World Cup that draws intrigue from even the smallest soccer fan. The worlds biggest sport on the worlds biggest stage is always a fun thing to watch. It will be even more fun to watch when Team USA runs out on the field for the first time to kick ass and take names (pun intended) and Bra”z”il burns itself to the ground. So here is an in-depth look at the first round match ups for Team USA.

Game One: USA 3 GHANA 0

Sure, Ghana has had great success against the US in the past 8 years, as they knocked us out in 2006 and 2010. But let me ask you something, can you point out Ghana on a map? I know I can’t. No way the US losses to a country like Ghana three times in a row as long as the US scores more goals than they do in 90 minutes.

Game Two: USA 2 Portugal 1

Easy pick here. Sure Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the best soccer players in the world. And sure we cut who was maybe are most decorated soccer player in history (Landon Donovan), but we still have Kyle Beckerman who looks like he is taking a sabbatical from his jamming sessions with the band SOJA. And sure, we also have a lot of inexperience and young players, it almost looks like Coach Klinsmann is trotting a team out there to build for the near but not near future in 2018. But he’s not, if there is one thing we know that works in professional sports its inexperience. I mean look at the Chicago Cubs, they are great right?

Game Three: USA 7 Germany 0

Uh Germany, scoreboard. How did World Wars One and Two go? Don’t mess with the best you jabronis.

There you have it, an insiders look at the first round of the 2014 FIFA World Cup for Team USA. Team USA runs the table, no doubt in my mind.


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